Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
