I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
