I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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