I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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