When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
May the power of my ass compel you!!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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