thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
