May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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