Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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