apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
