In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Randomize
