I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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