she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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