Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
