I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
