Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She needs sedatives and a leash
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
