i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
