Someone shit on the floor
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
