I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize