ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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