update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How does one acquire holy water?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
