Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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