I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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