My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
