the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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