That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
