I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
