The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
