i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
