If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She even gives head with a lisp.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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