Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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