dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
