I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
