Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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