Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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