I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
time to smoke my breakfast
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
