My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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