Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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