I just made out with a guy for $7.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
