Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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