seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im holly from the hills drunk
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
