Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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