i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
