i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
