You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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