My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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