i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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