My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
