textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
