she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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