i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
zippers are such a cool invention
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
