is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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