I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
