i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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