mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
