She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
