his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wear drunk well.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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