everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
