Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize