Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
