you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
