Well douche your snatch and let's go!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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