i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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