Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
