im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
