I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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