im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Randomize